Insecurity... It's a Helluva Thing!

Hurt People, Hurt People!  

"The pain is knowing that this person really doesn't see you or hear you." Patricia Evans

I've decided to blog about insecurity and abuse, because...I need to.  Let me start at the beginning.  Yesterday - meaning from 7:30 am to 3:30 pm - I got into a text battle with an Ex.  I know some of you may be thinking, "Fighting with an ex?  No bueno!"  But it happened, and since I think regret is a useless emotion, I want to go straight into the healing part of the story.

The Problem

I sent Ex a text expressing my desire that he be more honest [with me]. It seemed harmless to me at the time, but little did I know, what I sent to him was the equivalent of lighting a match next to spilled gasoline. He EXPLODED!!!

Within eight hours, he and I had sent each other, collectively, over 40 text messages that were anything but nice. We called each other names, which I now feel bad about engaging in. But mostly, he was the one being verbally abusive and I was responding to his abuse. He preceded to tell me terrible things about who I was, what I would do, what I was thinking, and why I was worthless.

Of course I defended myself, as always, and of course, I hoped for the apology that never came - although there was a call that might have led to that apology, but who knows. After the entire incident, I felt sick!  I felt emotionally drained, misunderstood, sad for me, and sad for him. Around 9 pm,  I PRAYED and asked God for direction and understanding. Mostly, I prayed for him because everything in my being told me he needed so much prayer.

It's strange to think that after such an event, a person would be more concerned for someone else than for oneself, but that's how I felt. I just wanted to understand what was wrong with him, with me, with us! You see, this is NORMAL for us. We get into these arguments and then we [or better yet I] go on...  But what exactly does "going on" mean? It doesn't mean I forget, or that he didn't say the things he said, and that his words don't confuse me and make me question his sanity or mine. Nope...that's not what "going on" means for me. It means that I convince myself that he doesn't really believe the things he says and that he loves me and can't help himself... hopefully!

In reality, "going on" means what it meant tonight. It means that I lied in my bed tossing and turning with sadness and confusion and hurt wrestling with me to the point where sleep was no longer an option. Not healthy. Not love! You see, it's not coincidental that I have this big thing to do today... it's almost like his subconscious knows when I need to be relaxed, so it does everything to sabotage my tranquility. For example, when I was studying for the Bar, I asked him for one thing only - not to fight with me about anything and to wait until I was done with my exams before he brought anything "fight-worthy" up! I'm sure you can guess how that ended... with me in shock and tears!

The Solution

The word, "abuse" continued to reverberate in my head until I got up and began to research verbal abuse and why it happens (I'll post some really helpful links below). Devine intervention!!! As I watched the videos and read the articles, everything started to come together and make sense.  In my head I kept saying, "Yes, yes, she's talking about me!" The videos seem to relate directly to me because Patricia Evans used the word "dramatic." The word "dramatic" was particularly poignant because in a previous blog I wrote on DV, Ex said I was being "dramatic."

Specifically, Ex wrote: "I am ex #4. My name is [redacted for anonymity]. I never abused u on any level, never laid a hand on you, never called you out your name. You are like a dramatic orange county housewife. Don't disrespect me on your website blog whatever. U couldn't handle the chocolate sweetheart!" on Well Hello... Abuse! (unedited version for authenticity purposes)

That was a sign, if ever I needed one!  I remember reading Ex's response, as well as getting his phone calls, which were filled with name calling and accusations, and thinking that he really had no idea that he was being verbally abusive to me. I also questioned whether I was being dramatic.  In the end, I decided not to post his response because it brought up old wounds and created new ones for me.  However, I've decided that using his own words, rather than mine, to describe how he addresses me when he's  angry is a perfect case-in-point.

I've learned that the root cause of our problem - why he gives it and why I take it - is because we both have some deep rooted INSECURITY  issues that manifest themselves in our lives in varying ways... perhaps it makes me needy and controlling and him angry and controlling.  All of these issues stem from early childhood and require serious work to fix.

I'm an extremely forgiving person by nature.  I give chances upon chances, especially to the people I love, and with the exception of loyalty, trust, and honesty, I don't require much in return.  But maybe those things are huge things to ask for and everything else is minuscule in comparision.  Ex kept saying to me "I don't owe you an explanation, I don't owe you anything!"  But I felt he did even though it was hard for me to articulate why I believed that to be true.  The one thing I knew for sure was that he made himself a part of my life, and therefore he had to be responsible for his actions towards me.  That's what I should have, but didn't have a chance to say because he hung up and I stopped texting.

When I was texting and talking to him, I felt myself get so angry that I could feel myself losing control but couldn't stop it.  I was a train wreck!  I don't know what he felt like, but I don't think I helped the situation because my anger from not being seen or heard got the best of me.  I don't want pain and anger to have one more day in my life.  There's just no room for it and my happiness all in one space.

But, why did I keep texting? Why did I call him back or answer his call at all?  What did my actions in this say about me?  Why can't I stop putting myself in this situation?  Why don't I just walk away?  Why do I care so much?!!  I have issues that I need to understand in order to address these concerns.  Therefore, I got my Google search on with the hope that someone would have some answers for me.  Please save me Patricia Evans and Dr. Irene!   And that they did, or better yet, they gave me the tools that I needed to figure out where to begin my journey of self discovery, understanding, and healing.

Like most people, I'm a work in progress and I understand that acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step at solving any problem; figuring out how to fix the problem is a journey.   I know that one day I will arrive at my destination and find the healing that I hope for.  But, for now, I am comforted by the fact that I'm a textbook classic case of a verbally abused partner, which means that I have the power to stop the abuse... I have POWER!

The End

Here's an excerpt from one of the articles that I read followed by some great YouTube links:

"The abuser's self-absorption and expectations spawn imbalance: The relationship is one-sided and is exclusively focused on meeting the emotional needs of the angry person. The abused partner's emotional needs are are seldom met -- and are often actively thwarted. The active thwarting of the abused partner's emotional needs is often the provocation...

A healthy relationship is reciprocal. Each partner must possess a measure of healthy self-acceptance and acceptance of the other. It is mutually understood that there is a constant give and take, with ongoing sacrifice and concession, each partner knowing that their giving will eventually be returned.  By comparison, the abusive relationship is one-sided. The abusive partner, who denies vulnerability and human imperfection, is unable to participate reciprocally. The partner's imperfections are experienced as a personal assault.  This broken individual desperately needs to feel invincible, to win, and be in control. Being wrong, having to "give in," give up, or to place another’s needs before their own is unacceptable. The only thing left, that feels somewhat OK, is to "win." If that's all there is, there is intense pressure to hold onto it.

Emotional closeness and reciprocity threaten the little power angry people have. Closeness and reciprocity imply the ability to honestly accept one's own imperfections; to be wrong, lose, give up, give in. Clinging to rigid standards of perfection, the abusive individual cannot operate honestly. Honest reality is dangerous. It threatens the little emotional stuff being right affords. Therefore, what-really-happened-in-the-world has to be bent. The angry person must "be right" to feel ok -- even if reality has to be reinvented to justify the angry person’s perspective. This manipulation ensures that the abuser is "right," and gets the partner to "agree." With this agreement comes the short-lived satisfaction of having won. Too often, the codependent partner, lacking a strong sense of self, gives up his or her own reality in favor of the distorted reality of the abuser! "

For the complete article go to:  http://www.drirene.com/theabuser.htm

Patricia Evans' Links: (I recommend that you watch all 3 parts)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogE88BPRMBc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZCe55LmqxI&feature=channel&list=UL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KJECf8leg&feature=channel&list=UL

Peace and Love, 

Ms. Daze

The BIG Move

Have you ever done anything BIG in your life?  
If so, how did it change you and the people around you? 
Was the sacrifice(s) worth it?  
What did you have to lose to gain what you got from your BIG move?  
If you've never done anything BIG, why not?

Your answers to these questions defines you.  It says everything about who you are, what you value, and your character.  The answers are your secrets to live with, your regrets, your claim to fame, and your legacy.

Although I do believe that most people often think about how they've changed by doing something BIG, I don't think that they realize that doing something BIG also changes the people around them.

When you do something BIG, you make a conscious decision to change lives.  Sometimes it's just your life that changes, but that depends on your definition of BIG, e.g. getting a small tattoo on your inner ankle or cutting off all of your hair.  Usually it's how your life changes those around you that is the most interesting and noteworthy change that occurs.

Doing something BIG might remind and inspire others that they are capable of doing BIG things too.  Conversely, however, it might incite jealousy and insecurity in others because they lack the courage, confidence, and/or faith to make their own BIG move.  There's really no way to know how your move will effect others until you make the BIG move.

Of course making a BIG move is a gamble.  Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, in ways that you never imagined were possible.  But, maybe the things you lose were never meant to be in your life anyway and the things you gain have been waiting in the universe's trust for you all along.

Recommendation: 

Do Something BIG!  One thing or anything... because who wants to be 80 years old thinking about who they could have been and what they could have done, rather than just doing it and leaving the regrets to someone else.  We are living our lives now.  Our hopes and dreams are just that, hopes and dreams; they are not our lives and they are not reality -- we can't feel accomplished about a thought that we had.  We can't get credit for our desires, we only get it for our deeds.  Make your deeds/life count today.

Peace and Love,

Ms. Daze

Finding Yourself... Online!

After a few months of being on an online dating site, I got bored with it. I was tired of the "Weirdos, Freaks, I-Only-Want-Sex, and Nothing-Substantive-to-Say" men who were constantly hitting me up. I went on a hiatus after deciding that the online dating thing just wasn't working out for me.  It really sucked - hard!  I'd log in, be excited about the 10-15 new messages I'd received... until I read them, and then I'd leave the site feeling emotionally deflated and exhausted because it's an emotional roller coaster... literally!  BUT, I'm back from my hiatus and after much reflection, here's what I've learned:

First Steps


Online dating is not for the weak or faint at heart! It's for those people who are willing and open to trying new and different things.  It's for those people who would rather try and risk rejection, than basque in their fear of rejection and end up alone.  Putting yourself out there - in cyber world- in many ways is just as difficult, if not more difficult, than  putting yourself out there in the physical world because it requires a level of fearlessness that most of us crave but just don't have... which is why many of the people contemplating online dating are single to begin with.

Don't Believe The Hype

People believe that  they can hide out, and/or coward, behind false presentations of who they want to be by venturing into cyber world.  They can't!  You can never really be in cyber world if you are there as someone else.  In order to be anywhere - cyber world or here - you've got to be 100% present and 100% real.  Fake people get fake people!  It's kind of like love, if you only give 25% of yourself, you don't get to experience 100% love.  You always get what you give.

What's in a Name?

Dating online forces you to find out the skills and abilities you have or need quickly.  It's the fastest way to get to know yourself.  It all starts with the name - it must be catchy, accurately represent you, and be unique!  Next, you have to create an alluring profile that requires you to summarize who you are in X amount of words and then publish it to the world.  This is not an easy task; the words you choose aren't just a summation of your best attributes: they are YOU (or who you want to be) in a non-physical form. They are everything!  You must ask yourself, "If I were words, what words would I be?"  And it's not like creating a resume or a CV.  When you make resumes and CVs, the words are simply adjectives of your life and it is up to your future employer to formulate the image of the person that all those adjectives represent.

In cyber world, however, the onus is on YOU!  Thus, every word is important and everything you say will inform someone's perception of you.  It's heavy...

Reality Slap

The truth is, it's actually much easier to meet someone in person - kind of like buying cookies instead of making them from scratch.  In the physical world you're already boxed and ready to be presented; you don't have to focus on, and stress out about, the details.  People see you, they like you, they pick you; if they don't like you, they move on!  In cyber world, they don't get to see you... all they get is a snap shot of the words that are the ingredients that make you.   They have to make their decision on whether or not they want you from the words YOU choose to define your life.  That's it!  The reality is that there are no second chances... Hence, first impressions are everything because they are the ONLY thing you get!

You have to be ready in every way otherwise it's just a waste of everyone's time.

The Brave

So, if after reading all of this, you, like me, decide that online dating is something you want to do, you should.  I think that everyone needs to be more self reflective.  You should attempt to present yourself to the world in words at least once in your lifetime.  Maybe you'll find someone who LOVES your words... no matter how many others might not.  Maybe you'll find that you like or dislike the words that instinctively come to you.  Either way, recognizing and acknowledging your descriptors will enable you to change your like into love, and your dislike into like.  You can't lose for trying!

Most importantly, you have to be BRAVE!  You have to be willing to face and embrace whatever words come up and not be afraid to change them.  In the end, you will only feel fully satisfied when YOU love your words!

Epilogue: The Roller Coaster

I'm not a big fan of the roller coaster because of how it makes me feel.  It's fun in one direction, and sickening in the other; the length of its valleys and hills are unpredictable; and it's so far from safe ground.  To me, it's a beast!  Online dating for me has been a like roller coaster emotionally -- from afar it's something that I've wanted to conquer, up close it's something that I've wanted to avoid, and now, it's something that  I'm proud that I've tried... bravely!

Although I'm excited about getting off the ride one day, I know that taking it has been more beneficial than harmful to me and I'd do it all again if necessary.

You should seriously consider doing it... at least once.  I DARE you!

Peace and Love,

Ms. Daze