After a few months of being on an online dating site, I got bored with it. I was tired of the "Weirdos, Freaks, I-Only-Want-Sex, and Nothing-Substantive-to-Say" men who were constantly hitting me up. I went on a hiatus after deciding that the online dating thing just wasn't working out for me. It really sucked - hard! I'd log in, be excited about the 10-15 new messages I'd received... until I read them, and then I'd leave the site feeling emotionally deflated and exhausted because it's an emotional roller coaster... literally! BUT, I'm back from my hiatus and after much reflection, here's what I've learned:
First Steps
Online dating is not for the weak or faint at heart! It's for those people who are willing and open to trying new and different things. It's for those people who would rather try and risk rejection, than basque in their fear of rejection and end up alone. Putting yourself out there - in cyber world- in many ways is just as difficult, if not more difficult, than putting yourself out there in the physical world because it requires a level of fearlessness that most of us crave but just don't have... which is why many of the people contemplating online dating are single to begin with.
Don't Believe The Hype
People believe that they can hide out, and/or coward, behind false presentations of who they want to be by venturing into cyber world. They can't! You can never really be in cyber world if you are there as someone else. In order to be anywhere - cyber world or here - you've got to be 100% present and 100% real. Fake people get fake people! It's kind of like love, if you only give 25% of yourself, you don't get to experience 100% love. You always get what you give.
What's in a Name?
Dating online forces you to find out the skills and abilities you have or need quickly. It's the fastest way to get to know yourself. It all starts with the name - it must be catchy, accurately represent you, and be unique! Next, you have to create an alluring profile that requires you to summarize who you are in X amount of words and then publish it to the world. This is not an easy task; the words you choose aren't just a summation of your best attributes: they are YOU (or who you want to be) in a non-physical form. They are everything! You must ask yourself, "If I were words, what words would I be?" And it's not like creating a resume or a CV. When you make resumes and CVs, the words are simply adjectives of your life and it is up to your future employer to formulate the image of the person that all those adjectives represent.
In cyber world, however, the onus is on YOU! Thus, every word is important and everything you say will inform someone's perception of you. It's heavy...
Reality Slap
The truth is, it's actually much easier to meet someone in person - kind of like buying cookies instead of making them from scratch. In the physical world you're already boxed and ready to be presented; you don't have to focus on, and stress out about, the details. People see you, they like you, they pick you; if they don't like you, they move on! In cyber world, they don't get to see you... all they get is a snap shot of the words that are the ingredients that make you. They have to make their decision on whether or not they want you from the words YOU choose to define your life. That's it! The reality is that there are no second chances... Hence, first impressions are everything because they are the ONLY thing you get!
You have to be ready in every way otherwise it's just a waste of everyone's time.
The Brave
So, if after reading all of this, you, like me, decide that online dating is something you want to do, you should. I think that everyone needs to be more self reflective. You should attempt to present yourself to the world in words at least once in your lifetime. Maybe you'll find someone who LOVES your words... no matter how many others might not. Maybe you'll find that you like or dislike the words that instinctively come to you. Either way, recognizing and acknowledging your descriptors will enable you to change your like into love, and your dislike into like. You can't lose for trying!
Most importantly, you have to be BRAVE! You have to be willing to face and embrace whatever words come up and not be afraid to change them. In the end, you will only feel fully satisfied when YOU love your words!
Epilogue: The Roller Coaster
I'm not a big fan of the roller coaster because of how it makes me feel. It's fun in one direction, and sickening in the other; the length of its valleys and hills are unpredictable; and it's so far from safe ground. To me, it's a beast! Online dating for me has been a like roller coaster emotionally -- from afar it's something that I've wanted to conquer, up close it's something that I've wanted to avoid, and now, it's something that I'm proud that I've tried... bravely!
Although I'm excited about getting off the ride one day, I know that taking it has been more beneficial than harmful to me and I'd do it all again if necessary.
You should seriously consider doing it... at least once. I DARE you!
Peace and Love,
Ms. Daze
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Well Hello... Abuse!
I'm not really a blogger! I very often find myself telling people who I think have interesting lives - generally- to start a blog because "someone's gonna want to hear that story!" However, I've never really applied that concept to myself. Last night I was having a conversation with my cousin Veronica, who I will probably talk about often because I think her life is uber interesante, even though she doesn't share my view- about my Ex history. I can't really say that there's much to talk about since I'm, as I said in my description, "mature," and I've only had 5 (I will be using numbers instead of spelling them out - completely disregarding the general rule about numbers under 10) exes. But, they each make for a very good story -- sometimes funny, sometimes not so funny!
And so it begins...
Right now I'm working on this document that deals with a domestic violence (DV) incident and it's bringing up some old memories. I was explaining to Veronica how much DV pisses me off! I mean really!! I just don't get why or how people can be so cruel to those they purport to love the most.
My Ex #4 was sexy (to me anyways)! He was 6'3", weighed about 250, beautiful ivory teeth, naturally soft wavy hair, and was all chocolate! I've always wanted a guy with those stats for very specific reasons. First, I want a guy taller than me, I'm 5'11" and I don't feel like wearing flats all the time. Besides, the bigger your feet, the more boat-like your shoes appear; hence, my desire for a tall (er than me) man! Second, I want a guy who can pick me up so naturally that means he has to weigh more than me. Ex #3, which I'll tell you about one day, was what I'd describe as a human praying mantis! Needless to say, he folded like a deck of cards one day when he tried to pick me up. That day I learned that height without the weight equated to pain! SMH! Third, you should know why good teeth is on my list - notice I said "is" and not "was"; I still want that (although Ex #5 might have been close but not quite there - I won't be telling his story today either)! The hair just felt good when it rubbed over any part of my body. And last but not least, chocolate -- you know... the kind that melts in your mouth and not in your hands, the kind that you break all types of rules for because you've just got to have it, the kind that you dream about, wanting to believe that it's good for you... SINFULLY DELICIOUS!
But we all know the truth about chocolate don't we? If it's not pure, it's just not good for you! And Ex #4 was all chocolate--but definitely not the pure kind!
What Happened
Abuse --be it physical, emotional, psychological- like s**t, just happens!
One day, you're this strong, independent, attractive person, and the next day, or month, or year, you're just a person. I don't believe that Ex #4 ever meant to hurt me... in the ways that he did. I think he only meant to hurt me in that moment, or for that day, but not indefinitely. Not in a way that the remnants of my thoughts of him are of painful experiences I had with him: just some story that I tell now because it's cathartic and reaffirms my VICTORhood!
Yes, I survived, which is a lot more than I can say for many people caught up in these ridiculous cycles of abuse (any kind)! I don't need to tell you the details of the stuff I endured for love, and ego, and insecurity because my s**t is specific to me; thus, the things that hurt me, might not necessarily hurt you so rehashing it won't save you -- only you can do that! Besides, you can use your imagination and fill in the blanks about me and Ex #4. For some of you, the details you choose to add will probably be worse than my actual experiences, and for others it won't be so bad! It doesn't matter! What does matter is that whatever happened to me, ended the day that I decided that I wanted to be the me that got the man, not the me that was desperately trying to keep him!
Candy
For those of you, like me, who had/have some type candy delusion of a lover, just remember the following:
1) "A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
2) How long will you have to spend in the gym to work the damage off?
3) Gold wrapped --> "All that glitters isn't gold!"
4) Is it really worth the relationship that you will have to develop with a Dentist (aka therapist)?
5) Chocolates can't take the heat - they go soft, make a mess, and leaving you in sticky situations!
6) You have no idea what type of garbage is in it - it just looks good!
7) Too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing sooner than you think.
8) Some of the yummy looking ones taste like s**t!!!
9) It's bad for your health
10) It's just not worth it!
Conclusion
Abuse sucks! I've always hated being that person that tries to convince the person stuck in the relationship to leave. My philosophy is, don't try to convince people to do anything - they'll do it when they feel that there's no alternative! What I've come to realize, however, is that we all have different tolerance levels for abuse and some of us can really take a BEATING... but we should never have to!!!
Peace and love,
Ms.Daze
And so it begins...
Right now I'm working on this document that deals with a domestic violence (DV) incident and it's bringing up some old memories. I was explaining to Veronica how much DV pisses me off! I mean really!! I just don't get why or how people can be so cruel to those they purport to love the most.
My Ex #4 was sexy (to me anyways)! He was 6'3", weighed about 250, beautiful ivory teeth, naturally soft wavy hair, and was all chocolate! I've always wanted a guy with those stats for very specific reasons. First, I want a guy taller than me, I'm 5'11" and I don't feel like wearing flats all the time. Besides, the bigger your feet, the more boat-like your shoes appear; hence, my desire for a tall (er than me) man! Second, I want a guy who can pick me up so naturally that means he has to weigh more than me. Ex #3, which I'll tell you about one day, was what I'd describe as a human praying mantis! Needless to say, he folded like a deck of cards one day when he tried to pick me up. That day I learned that height without the weight equated to pain! SMH! Third, you should know why good teeth is on my list - notice I said "is" and not "was"; I still want that (although Ex #5 might have been close but not quite there - I won't be telling his story today either)! The hair just felt good when it rubbed over any part of my body. And last but not least, chocolate -- you know... the kind that melts in your mouth and not in your hands, the kind that you break all types of rules for because you've just got to have it, the kind that you dream about, wanting to believe that it's good for you... SINFULLY DELICIOUS!
But we all know the truth about chocolate don't we? If it's not pure, it's just not good for you! And Ex #4 was all chocolate--but definitely not the pure kind!
What Happened
Abuse --be it physical, emotional, psychological- like s**t, just happens!
One day, you're this strong, independent, attractive person, and the next day, or month, or year, you're just a person. I don't believe that Ex #4 ever meant to hurt me... in the ways that he did. I think he only meant to hurt me in that moment, or for that day, but not indefinitely. Not in a way that the remnants of my thoughts of him are of painful experiences I had with him: just some story that I tell now because it's cathartic and reaffirms my VICTORhood!
Yes, I survived, which is a lot more than I can say for many people caught up in these ridiculous cycles of abuse (any kind)! I don't need to tell you the details of the stuff I endured for love, and ego, and insecurity because my s**t is specific to me; thus, the things that hurt me, might not necessarily hurt you so rehashing it won't save you -- only you can do that! Besides, you can use your imagination and fill in the blanks about me and Ex #4. For some of you, the details you choose to add will probably be worse than my actual experiences, and for others it won't be so bad! It doesn't matter! What does matter is that whatever happened to me, ended the day that I decided that I wanted to be the me that got the man, not the me that was desperately trying to keep him!
Candy
For those of you, like me, who had/have some type candy delusion of a lover, just remember the following:
1) "A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
2) How long will you have to spend in the gym to work the damage off?
3) Gold wrapped --> "All that glitters isn't gold!"
4) Is it really worth the relationship that you will have to develop with a Dentist (aka therapist)?
5) Chocolates can't take the heat - they go soft, make a mess, and leaving you in sticky situations!
6) You have no idea what type of garbage is in it - it just looks good!
7) Too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing sooner than you think.
8) Some of the yummy looking ones taste like s**t!!!
9) It's bad for your health
10) It's just not worth it!
Conclusion
Abuse sucks! I've always hated being that person that tries to convince the person stuck in the relationship to leave. My philosophy is, don't try to convince people to do anything - they'll do it when they feel that there's no alternative! What I've come to realize, however, is that we all have different tolerance levels for abuse and some of us can really take a BEATING... but we should never have to!!!
Peace and love,
Ms.Daze
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)