Insecurity... It's a Helluva Thing!

Hurt People, Hurt People!  

"The pain is knowing that this person really doesn't see you or hear you." Patricia Evans

I've decided to blog about insecurity and abuse, because...I need to.  Let me start at the beginning.  Yesterday - meaning from 7:30 am to 3:30 pm - I got into a text battle with an Ex.  I know some of you may be thinking, "Fighting with an ex?  No bueno!"  But it happened, and since I think regret is a useless emotion, I want to go straight into the healing part of the story.

The Problem

I sent Ex a text expressing my desire that he be more honest [with me]. It seemed harmless to me at the time, but little did I know, what I sent to him was the equivalent of lighting a match next to spilled gasoline. He EXPLODED!!!

Within eight hours, he and I had sent each other, collectively, over 40 text messages that were anything but nice. We called each other names, which I now feel bad about engaging in. But mostly, he was the one being verbally abusive and I was responding to his abuse. He preceded to tell me terrible things about who I was, what I would do, what I was thinking, and why I was worthless.

Of course I defended myself, as always, and of course, I hoped for the apology that never came - although there was a call that might have led to that apology, but who knows. After the entire incident, I felt sick!  I felt emotionally drained, misunderstood, sad for me, and sad for him. Around 9 pm,  I PRAYED and asked God for direction and understanding. Mostly, I prayed for him because everything in my being told me he needed so much prayer.

It's strange to think that after such an event, a person would be more concerned for someone else than for oneself, but that's how I felt. I just wanted to understand what was wrong with him, with me, with us! You see, this is NORMAL for us. We get into these arguments and then we [or better yet I] go on...  But what exactly does "going on" mean? It doesn't mean I forget, or that he didn't say the things he said, and that his words don't confuse me and make me question his sanity or mine. Nope...that's not what "going on" means for me. It means that I convince myself that he doesn't really believe the things he says and that he loves me and can't help himself... hopefully!

In reality, "going on" means what it meant tonight. It means that I lied in my bed tossing and turning with sadness and confusion and hurt wrestling with me to the point where sleep was no longer an option. Not healthy. Not love! You see, it's not coincidental that I have this big thing to do today... it's almost like his subconscious knows when I need to be relaxed, so it does everything to sabotage my tranquility. For example, when I was studying for the Bar, I asked him for one thing only - not to fight with me about anything and to wait until I was done with my exams before he brought anything "fight-worthy" up! I'm sure you can guess how that ended... with me in shock and tears!

The Solution

The word, "abuse" continued to reverberate in my head until I got up and began to research verbal abuse and why it happens (I'll post some really helpful links below). Devine intervention!!! As I watched the videos and read the articles, everything started to come together and make sense.  In my head I kept saying, "Yes, yes, she's talking about me!" The videos seem to relate directly to me because Patricia Evans used the word "dramatic." The word "dramatic" was particularly poignant because in a previous blog I wrote on DV, Ex said I was being "dramatic."

Specifically, Ex wrote: "I am ex #4. My name is [redacted for anonymity]. I never abused u on any level, never laid a hand on you, never called you out your name. You are like a dramatic orange county housewife. Don't disrespect me on your website blog whatever. U couldn't handle the chocolate sweetheart!" on Well Hello... Abuse! (unedited version for authenticity purposes)

That was a sign, if ever I needed one!  I remember reading Ex's response, as well as getting his phone calls, which were filled with name calling and accusations, and thinking that he really had no idea that he was being verbally abusive to me. I also questioned whether I was being dramatic.  In the end, I decided not to post his response because it brought up old wounds and created new ones for me.  However, I've decided that using his own words, rather than mine, to describe how he addresses me when he's  angry is a perfect case-in-point.

I've learned that the root cause of our problem - why he gives it and why I take it - is because we both have some deep rooted INSECURITY  issues that manifest themselves in our lives in varying ways... perhaps it makes me needy and controlling and him angry and controlling.  All of these issues stem from early childhood and require serious work to fix.

I'm an extremely forgiving person by nature.  I give chances upon chances, especially to the people I love, and with the exception of loyalty, trust, and honesty, I don't require much in return.  But maybe those things are huge things to ask for and everything else is minuscule in comparision.  Ex kept saying to me "I don't owe you an explanation, I don't owe you anything!"  But I felt he did even though it was hard for me to articulate why I believed that to be true.  The one thing I knew for sure was that he made himself a part of my life, and therefore he had to be responsible for his actions towards me.  That's what I should have, but didn't have a chance to say because he hung up and I stopped texting.

When I was texting and talking to him, I felt myself get so angry that I could feel myself losing control but couldn't stop it.  I was a train wreck!  I don't know what he felt like, but I don't think I helped the situation because my anger from not being seen or heard got the best of me.  I don't want pain and anger to have one more day in my life.  There's just no room for it and my happiness all in one space.

But, why did I keep texting? Why did I call him back or answer his call at all?  What did my actions in this say about me?  Why can't I stop putting myself in this situation?  Why don't I just walk away?  Why do I care so much?!!  I have issues that I need to understand in order to address these concerns.  Therefore, I got my Google search on with the hope that someone would have some answers for me.  Please save me Patricia Evans and Dr. Irene!   And that they did, or better yet, they gave me the tools that I needed to figure out where to begin my journey of self discovery, understanding, and healing.

Like most people, I'm a work in progress and I understand that acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step at solving any problem; figuring out how to fix the problem is a journey.   I know that one day I will arrive at my destination and find the healing that I hope for.  But, for now, I am comforted by the fact that I'm a textbook classic case of a verbally abused partner, which means that I have the power to stop the abuse... I have POWER!

The End

Here's an excerpt from one of the articles that I read followed by some great YouTube links:

"The abuser's self-absorption and expectations spawn imbalance: The relationship is one-sided and is exclusively focused on meeting the emotional needs of the angry person. The abused partner's emotional needs are are seldom met -- and are often actively thwarted. The active thwarting of the abused partner's emotional needs is often the provocation...

A healthy relationship is reciprocal. Each partner must possess a measure of healthy self-acceptance and acceptance of the other. It is mutually understood that there is a constant give and take, with ongoing sacrifice and concession, each partner knowing that their giving will eventually be returned.  By comparison, the abusive relationship is one-sided. The abusive partner, who denies vulnerability and human imperfection, is unable to participate reciprocally. The partner's imperfections are experienced as a personal assault.  This broken individual desperately needs to feel invincible, to win, and be in control. Being wrong, having to "give in," give up, or to place another’s needs before their own is unacceptable. The only thing left, that feels somewhat OK, is to "win." If that's all there is, there is intense pressure to hold onto it.

Emotional closeness and reciprocity threaten the little power angry people have. Closeness and reciprocity imply the ability to honestly accept one's own imperfections; to be wrong, lose, give up, give in. Clinging to rigid standards of perfection, the abusive individual cannot operate honestly. Honest reality is dangerous. It threatens the little emotional stuff being right affords. Therefore, what-really-happened-in-the-world has to be bent. The angry person must "be right" to feel ok -- even if reality has to be reinvented to justify the angry person’s perspective. This manipulation ensures that the abuser is "right," and gets the partner to "agree." With this agreement comes the short-lived satisfaction of having won. Too often, the codependent partner, lacking a strong sense of self, gives up his or her own reality in favor of the distorted reality of the abuser! "

For the complete article go to:  http://www.drirene.com/theabuser.htm

Patricia Evans' Links: (I recommend that you watch all 3 parts)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogE88BPRMBc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZCe55LmqxI&feature=channel&list=UL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KJECf8leg&feature=channel&list=UL

Peace and Love, 

Ms. Daze